Barney's Hide & Seek Game Review
A Journalistic Review by DefiantParrot
*Warning: It Sucks*
Originally Written: 03/19/2019
Developer: Realtime Associates
Publisher: SEGA
Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: 2D Platformer
Release: 1993
Oh for fuck's sake. Well April fucking fools everyone!
So Barney the big fucking dinosaur, like many my age I have memories of watching this asshole's show as a kid. I remember this monster attempting to teach lessons to us with his sidekicks Baby Bop and Blowjob.
I have memories of renting this game as a wee bird, apparently my parents hated me.
So here's my review of Barney's Hide & Seek Game.
So as the name suggests several children and Baby Bop are playing a game of hide and seek with the big purple tumor and it's your job to guide Barney through four levels and help him find his friends and presents to give to them.
This game consists of extremely simple platforming and exploration. Admittedly the game is bright and colorful. The one good thing I'll say here is that it looks nice.
As for the music it's the typical public domain playlist of songs including Old Mac-Fucking-Donald had a goddamn farm.
The exploration here consists of either going left or right. Riveting. The A. B. and C. buttons makes this purple pedophile blow a kiss unless he's near a balloon or by a platform then he can jump. So no having him jump off a cliff or anything it's impossible for Barney to get hurt in this game.
Also the start button blows a kiss, yes seriously. You can't even pause in this game. If you set the controller down to use the bathroom or something by the time you come back Barney's fatass will be playing the game for you. IT PLAYS THE GAME FOR YOU!!!
Look I understand this game is for kids and I don't give a shit if this is an option or not, but it's like 2 seconds and this motherfucker starts moving you around. Listen if I was somehow enjoying this monstrosity I'd be fucking annoyed that my progress was fucked with by this dementia ridden dinosaur.
Anyway you're supposed to collect these presents and children, seriously WTF.
It's not like they're expertly hidden or anything but if you don't feel like it or somehow miss it you can just ignore them and continue the game anyway. Which after collecting everything in the first level I said fuck it and just ran for the exit, or walked like I have a fucking stick up my ass in the case of this geriatric Godzilla. I don't know if anything happens if you collect everything and I don't fucking care.
But the absolute worst thing here is that Barney won't shut his fucking mouth. He comments on everything if he sees a butterfly, a child, a present. He constantly tells you to be careful and that he loves you, NO MEANS NO MOTHERFUCKER WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THESE CHILDREN SAW THEIR PARENTS!?!?!
This game gets No seal. It gets nothing, it doesn't get my full rage on one thing.
It does what it sets out to do. A nice looking game for very small children, I still don't recommend this game to any children or any parent to purchase it for their kid. But it's not abslutely torturous or mentally scarring.
I mean it's not Hercules or anything.
 |
| What have I become?! |
Originally Written: 03/19/2019
Developer: Realtime Associates
Publisher: SEGA
Platform: Sega Genesis
Genre: 2D Platformer
Release: 1993
Oh for fuck's sake. Well April fucking fools everyone!
So Barney the big fucking dinosaur, like many my age I have memories of watching this asshole's show as a kid. I remember this monster attempting to teach lessons to us with his sidekicks Baby Bop and Blowjob.
I have memories of renting this game as a wee bird, apparently my parents hated me.
So here's my review of Barney's Hide & Seek Game.
So as the name suggests several children and Baby Bop are playing a game of hide and seek with the big purple tumor and it's your job to guide Barney through four levels and help him find his friends and presents to give to them.
 |
| Run Children! He's behind you! |
The exploration here consists of either going left or right. Riveting. The A. B. and C. buttons makes this purple pedophile blow a kiss unless he's near a balloon or by a platform then he can jump. So no having him jump off a cliff or anything it's impossible for Barney to get hurt in this game.
Also the start button blows a kiss, yes seriously. You can't even pause in this game. If you set the controller down to use the bathroom or something by the time you come back Barney's fatass will be playing the game for you. IT PLAYS THE GAME FOR YOU!!!
Look I understand this game is for kids and I don't give a shit if this is an option or not, but it's like 2 seconds and this motherfucker starts moving you around. Listen if I was somehow enjoying this monstrosity I'd be fucking annoyed that my progress was fucked with by this dementia ridden dinosaur.
 |
| Gee, I wonder where they are? |
Anyway you're supposed to collect these presents and children, seriously WTF.
It's not like they're expertly hidden or anything but if you don't feel like it or somehow miss it you can just ignore them and continue the game anyway. Which after collecting everything in the first level I said fuck it and just ran for the exit, or walked like I have a fucking stick up my ass in the case of this geriatric Godzilla. I don't know if anything happens if you collect everything and I don't fucking care.
But the absolute worst thing here is that Barney won't shut his fucking mouth. He comments on everything if he sees a butterfly, a child, a present. He constantly tells you to be careful and that he loves you, NO MEANS NO MOTHERFUCKER WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THESE CHILDREN SAW THEIR PARENTS!?!?!
 |
| Let him go you monster! |
This game gets No seal. It gets nothing, it doesn't get my full rage on one thing.
It does what it sets out to do. A nice looking game for very small children, I still don't recommend this game to any children or any parent to purchase it for their kid. But it's not abslutely torturous or mentally scarring.
I mean it's not Hercules or anything.
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