Ohhh shit I'm hungover. I hate all noise and sound and oh crap I have to work today....
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| Welcome to Hell |
But forget that Happy New Year everybody and I meant to get this up yesterday but, oh fuck it. Let's just start the list.
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| Number Twelve: Eternity: The Last Unicorn |
Okay full disclosure this one is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. But that's for me, everybody else I talk to says this game is shit. And it is it really is. Despite my personal feelings you can't argue facts and facts are this game is severely flawed. Clunky controls, stunted animations, camera issues and so many times I died and it didn't feel like it was my fault it felt like a failure on the games part. Admittedly I didn't play much of this dumpster fire but there's something that makes me wanna go back. Maybe that's why it's so high on the list or maybe I'm a fucking idiot.
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| Number Eleven: Jump Force |
How do you fuck this up? Again like the previous entry there's a part of me that likes this game, or maybe I just really WANT to like it. Terrible cutscenes and lazy animations make the presentation look like they didn't want to bother. A lackluster number of characters so more could be sold later. The combat is shallow and the story is the most boring and fill in the blank multiverse story ever. I really wanted this game to be good hell who doesn't wanna beat Goku's smug face in the ground with Yami Yugi? I think this game might be more disappointing than outright bad but that doesn't change how angry I am at this moment.
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| Number Ten: Ghost Recon: Breakpoint |
I'll be completely honest here, I actually kind of enjoyed Ghost Recon: Wildlands. So what the fuck happened here? This game is boring. tedious and I lost track of how many goddamn times I wanted to put the controller down. Eventually it dawned on me that I wasn't reviewing this game and could put the controller down. So this game is currently my drink coaster because fuck Ghost Recon: Breakpoint, and don't get me fucking started on the microtransactions!!
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| Number Nine: WWE 2K20 |
This game is fucking ugly, unpolished, unfinished and goddamn unbearable to play at times. Wrestlers turn into hideous monstrosities that I haven't seen since Assassin's Creed goddamn Unity. The fine tuned controls from 2K19 were fucked with for basically no reason. The roster is even worse than usual, they've removed more goddamn features than they goddamn added in this goddamn game. Fuck this game, next!
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| Number Eight: Bubsy: Paws on Fire! |
It's better than the last one but then again I'd rather take a trip to the doctor with my Ex-Wife while getting my beak smashed by a fucking hammer than play any of the previous Bubsy games so take that for what you will. This game felt like more effort was put into it but that still didn't make it overall and enjoyable experience. This game added new playable characters but also wants you to replay each level at least three times and these levels aren't all that great to begin with. Again didn't play much here. the earlier Bubsy games were memorably awful but these latest two aren't terrible. They're just boring.
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| Number Seven: CTR: Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled |
Activision you money hungry, penny pinching, life ruining, investor sucking SONS OF FUCKING BITCHES!!!!! This game was perfectly fine when it released but less than three months later they shovel unneeded Microtransactions into this fantastic game and absolutely ruin it in my eyes. This was going to be a contender for one of the best games of the year but instead I put it here simply because of that slimy fucking behavior Activision. Kiss my feathery ass you worthless bastards.
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| Number Six: Dollhouse |
A good idea, a really good idea actually. Too bad it wasn't implemented all that well and that such an interesting concept is shackled to this ugly balloon full of cold jizz. I got Slenderman flashbacks playing this and that's not a good thing by the way. Just forcing the player to run from something chasing them doesn't make it scary, in fact if not done correctly it can get downright annoying. Not only is this game not scary it's also not fun to play. Those are the two things it absolutely had to get right and it drops the ball entirely. What a fucking waste.
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Number Five: Crackdown 3
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Okay admit it, you forgot this game came out this year didn't you. Well a Parrot never forgets, I remembered how this game quietly snuck out one day and hoped noone would notice. Well I did, I played it and I didn't get my Terry Crews fix. In fact I didn't get a good game at all. I thought I was playing Crackdown 1 again and some may like that. Crackdown had its fans, well I wasn't one of them. Especially since Crackdown came out over TEN YEARS AGO. There was no evolution here, they just squirted out a samey sequel after the series hype was long gone. Fuck this game and... shit what were we talking about again?
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| Number Four: Wolfenstein: Youngblood |
Now this game set a precedent actually when I first played it. I don't think I've ever come to absolutely loathe a main character, let alone two so goddamn fast. Who's idea was it to give B.J. these two annoying Cunt-Fucks as his daughters? Unlikable, completely unremarkable and nowhere near as interesting as their dad, or even fun to play. They took the fantastic gameplay from the two previous games and ruined it here by making these annoying bullet sponge enemies and folks I don't dislike these characters because they're women, I dislike them because they're badly written characters. But seriously fuck these two, fuck this game and fuck Bethesda.
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| Number Three: Contra: Rogue Corps |
#FucKonami. And while we're at it fuck pandas and fuck this failed abortion of a video game. Konami is Konami and for some god awful reason Konami decided to puke it this absolute failure of a game this year. Here folks we have a Contra game with none of the charm of the beloved series and your guns overheat. Yes some dipshit thought putting in a limit on how much you can shoot, in a Contra game was a good idea. I think I played maybe an hour of this game with a friend. She wanted to try it and for putting me through an hour of this hell, noone will ever find her body. Thanks alot Konami you fucking twats.
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| Number Two: NBA 2K20 |
A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SLOT MACHINE!????!??!?!?!?! FUCK YOU 2K, FUCK YOU FROM EVERY CORE OF MY BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Number One: Anthem |
Fuck You EA. BioWare is one of my favorite developers ever and to see them reduced to this, oh it hurts. The problem is there's potential here I can see a good game trying to come out but this is a humongous disappointment all around. From a lackluster campaign to a 'roadmap' that completely failed for obvious reasons. To the development team overworked for this shit nugget. I fear that it's only a matter of time before EA murders BioWare like it did Visceral and so many others before them. Maybe I'm wrong. maybe Dragon Age 4 can save the studio but I have my doubts. Fuck Anthem and Fuck You EA you evil son of a bitch.
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