Crash Bandicoot Review
A Journalistic Review by DefiantParrot
Originally Written: 03/31/2020
*Spoilers May Be Ahead*
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| I come from a land down unda! |
Developer: Naughty Dog
Publisher: Sony Computer Entertainment
Platform: PlayStation
Genre: Platformer
Release: September 9, 1996
The PlayStation is one of my favorite consoles of all time. I had so much fun with it when I was growing up and those memories will stay with me forever. Most of that time was spent with Spyro who I consider to be the PS1s best mascot.
But if you weren't playing Spyro back then there's a good chance you were playing the subject of todays review. The orange marsupial from down under Crash Bandicoot.
Of course we're starting with the original game, the one that started it all. I gotta admit folks I've never played this one, I owned its sequel and played a bit of the third game but the first Crash game? No experience whatsoever with this. So how about we fix that? Here's my review of Crash Bandicoot.
So the plot here is that the mad scientist Dr. Neo Cortex and his assistant Dr. Nitrus Brio are experimenting on various animals because Cortex wants to create The 'Cortex Commandos' super creatures that will aid him in taking over the world.
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| The game is definitely dated but I find the graphics in this charming in all the right ways |
While Brio states several of their experiments are mistakes, Cortex says that Crash will lead his army and this time he will succeed.
Okay I have to ask if Cortex is so brilliant why the hell did he pick a Bandicoot to lead his army? Especially when he also has an insane kangaroo, a gun toting Potoroo and a jacked as hell Koala.
Anyway Crash is deemed a failure (big shock) and escapes from Cortexs castle. However a female Bandicoot named Tawna is next in line for the experiments and Crash vows to save her and that folks is the name of the game here. Travel across the various Wumpa Islands, battle the various members of the Cortex Commandos and save Tawna.
*Insert Hank Hill scream here*
The first thing I noticed when I started playing this game is how good this game still looks. Sure it's dated and a bit rough around the edges but this game is just as colorful and a joy to see now as anytime before I feel.
Crash is a platformer so your adventure will consist of you running, jumping and spinning your way across the islands and defeating enemies.
Crash dies in one hit which always annoys me, but most enemies die in one hit too, and there aren't many enemies that had me frustrated because they constantly killed me. Except for one in The Lab, but that one can suck my Bandicoot Balls.
Honestly playing this game, where I jump around and everyone dies in one hit reminded me so much of Sly Cooper. Just a thought I had moving on.
You can jump on enemies to defeat them and for some this is required but Crashs spin is the most reliable way of defeating enemies. More like a Tazmanian Devil than a Bandicoot but I gotta admit I love the ricochet sound that plays when you kill an enemy with the spin. Or when you break open a crate the sound design in this game is great.
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| Does this look like the face of mercy motherfucker? |
As is the music, a toe tapping joy to the ears everytime a new track plays and as I'm sitting here writing this I'm bobbing my head back and forth thinking of the soundtrack and that is what I look for in video game music.
Crash controls fine for the most past in this 3D space, of course this is before Analog control so I had to get used to the dickless PS1 controller again. Fine enough I am nostalgic for it but Crashs jumps can be a bit heavy and this motherfucker buys his shoes from the same store as Luigi because I swear I've slid of more platforms than I can count.
Now wings in the air here I may just suck at this game, but I had a few miserable moments playing this. Sunset Vista, The Lab, Fumbling in the Dark these levels gave me absolute hell when playing through them and most of that came down to Crashs poor traction.
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| Fuck this stage with a goddamn tire iron... SIDEWAYS |
I just never felt in complete control whenever I played this and I hate that feeling. If I fuck up I want it to be because I fucked it up and while there's definitely moments of that here, there was always a level of discomfort when controlling our marsupial friend here.
Each stage consists of getting through the challenges and reaching a magical portal at the end to progress to the next stage. The challenges could consist of bottomless pits, enemies, bottomless pits, stage hazards, bottomless pits, TNT crates, bottomless pits and bottomless pits.
As stated previously Crash dies in one hit however in certain crates Crash can obtain Aku Aku. A mask with magical powers than can protect Crash if he takes damage, you can carry two of these at a time. If you already have two and come across a third then Crash becomes invincible for a short amount of time, defeats enemies just by touching them, destroys boxes in a similar manner, and you get a short burst of speed.
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| Inspiration for my next Halloween Costume right here |
There's a few gimmicks here in Crash, such as times when you're running towards the camera trying to escape an Indiana Jones boulder or sexually molesting a speeding hog. But platforming is the name of the game here and it never deviates from that, that's how you do it Sly.
Now this game likes to shower you in lives but if you think this game is easy my dear friend oh no, no. This game can get pretty fucking difficult and aside from my annoyances with how Crash controls alot of the difficulty here is in the level design. As a platformer Crash Bandicoot will challenge you.
The boss fights on the other hand are barely a challenge at all. The Cortex Commandos along with the chief Papu Papu and Doctors Brio/Cortex aren't difficult at all. I got a surprise a couple times fighting Pinstripe and I died once fighting Cortex but these are pretty much a cakewalk.
I do enjoy the boss' animations Ripper Roo being a mad bastard jumping after you, Pinstripe laughing like a maniacal prick as he fires at you and Brio turning in the Not-So-Jolly-Green Giant to pummel your fucking face in.
The series has a certain charm and personality and it's here in the first game in spades.
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| And don't forget to shop at Papu Papu's Big & Tall |
However there is a certain genetically mutated elephant in the room that has yet to addressed, isn't there folks? Alright here we go.
The biggest challenge in this game is without a doubt going for a 100% playthrough which to be upfront about. I didn't do because it is a colossal pain in the ass.
The boxes in every level that I've mentioned up to this point has a corresponding box gem. Break all the boxes in a level you get the gem sounds simple right?
Each stage has a couple checkpoint boxes as well which they can get pretty fucking stingy on at times for the record. But anyway these are here so if you die say halfway through the level you can retry from there and not at the very beginning.
*Sigh*
The problem with that is if you want to 100% this game you cannot rely on these checkpoint boxes. They save your current level progression but NOT the boxes that you destroyed. Which means say you're on your third checkpoint box and your finger slips and you die right before the end of the level even though you broke every box on your way there.
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| You have failed me |
You then have to restart the level anyway because the checkpoint boxes are not your friend here. To 100% Crash Bandicoot you have to play perfectly and that's just fucking wrong.
Also those TNT crates I mentioned? They can fuck you over too if you jump on a TNT crate a three second timer will start counting down and it'll detonate. But if you say continue playing the stage and don't stay close enough to the TNT crate when it goes off, it'll be destroyed but none of the other boxes that may be surrounding it will be, what the actual fuck?!
Completing this game is a serious test of skill, will, patience and masochism.
There are also color gems which you can acquire in certain levels. These can open up new paths in previous levels that will lead to boxes that you couldn't get to before. Which can be a bit annoying, backtracking and going back and forth.
In stages there are some boxes which have Tawna emblems in them if you collect all three of them you can enter a small bonus area which you can complete for some extra lives. Although I have to wonder how Tawna is here at the end of the bonus levels but I still have to rescue her from Cortex. Are the Wumpa fruit making Crash having hallucinations?
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| Oh and there's secret Brio rooms too... for some reason |
Also the bonus areas I mentioned? The ones that you can miss if you don't collect the Tawna emblems? That's how you save the game.
WHAT
In order to simply save your progress you have to find three emblems, complete the bonus level and step on the teleporter.
Crash 1 utilizes a password feature too and if you're asking yourself if I used the 100% password you're goddamned right I did.
I played through every level, attempted some gems got a few eventually said fuck that and used the password system.
If you suck at this game then even something as simple as saving the game will be a pain in the ass for you, this game can be fucking brutal.
Do you get anything for completing this game? You can get an alternate ending where you rescue Tawna and don't fight Cortex. Or you can fight Cortex and save Tawna that way. Alright then.
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| For when you prefer the color purple |
Let's put it this way with the release of the N. Sane Trilogy I can say without a doubt that there is no reason to ever go back and play this game.
Crash Bandicoot receives my Bronze Seal of Acceptance
I do look forward to playing the rest of the Crash games I missed out on but I'm very glad that I'm done with this one.
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